DXM and Other Drugs Like LIfe

Life has taken me to some strange places lately. I don't even really know where to begin.

First things first, I LOVE our new office building. My office is really small with all this furniture in it, but it's so cute and cozy. I absolutely love it. I find myself excited to wake up and come into work. I love having my own personal space. It's so freeing. I can listen to music and it's a lot better than being stuck in the same room with my dad all day.

I'm really glad I have this blog and not many people know about it. Because I'm about to post things here that I don't wish a lot of people to know.

This week has been the most exhausting week of my entire life. We found out last Tuesday or Wednesday that my brother has been taking large doses of dextromethorphan, which is a drug found in a LOT of over the counter medicines. Taken for sicknesses, very low effects. It's in robitussin, nyquil, dayquil, and many others. But taken in large doses, it causes hallucinations, loss of perception and balance and out of body experiences. He was acting weird that night, and his friend Jesse said he kept falling and when Jesse mentioned to Kenny that he kept falling, Kenny had no recollection of it. Even though it had just been a couple minutes before. So Jesse called me to come outside and see if Kenny was okay because he was really worried about it. Jesse told me that all he and Kenny did was smoke pot, but I knew right about that the high Kenny was having was not from weed. Jesse swore to me that's all they did.

So I took Kenny for a ride. I didn't want my dad to see him like that, obviously, so I thought maybe a ride and some food would do him some good.

The longer we drove, the more worried I got. He kept asking me the same things over and over. Not because he wanted to. He just kept forgetting that he had already asked me the questions. Finally, I got so annoyed that I told him I wasn't going to answer any more questions. He kept saying "What?" and finally I was like "WHAT?" And he said "I didn't say anything."

When we got to McDonalds he didn't know what a straw was or how to use it. He was just freaking me out, so I called Jesse to make sure that weed was ALL they did. Jesse, again, swore that's all they did. I decided to call my dad. I was so freaked out that I couldn't think of anything else.

So it turns out that Kenny has been abusing cough syrup. That night, upon arriving home, Kenny told my dad what he was on. Dad asked to see the bottle and Kenny pulled it out from under his bed on the side. My dad asked him how many more were under there and Kenny said two. I got down on my hands and knees. I pulled out one bottle. Two bottles. Three bottles. When I got to five, I made Kenny get off the bed, because I couldn't reach under anymore, and I lifted up the bed. There were about 8-10 more empty bottles under his bed. And those were just the ones he didn't throw away. Those were just the ones he was doing alone in his room after work and stuff.

After crying and having panic attacks, I finally calmed down. For the past week, things have been really good. Kenny has a few rules like he's not allowed to have money on him. He's not allowed to go anywhere without me for the next three months. He has to go to therapy. A few other ones. He seems more than cooperative. He told me that he started taking it because it was a spiritual experience, but that it got out of control.

Kenny adores the idea of getting in touch with himself spiritually. I just wish he'd find a safer way to do it.

So, along with finding out about his secret trip sessions, Kenny and Lexey broke up and there's been a LOT of drama with that. It's just been a dramatic and exhausting week. On top of all the drama, throw in moving offices, and well, it's just crazy. It's been insane.

I love my brother more than anything. We've been through a lot of ups and downs together, but I would do anything for him. And as crazy as it is, I feel closer to him now than ever. Not just because he has to spend so much free time with me, but I just feel like everything is going to be okay. It's a little unreal, him being addicted to something like that. It's kind of like a "never thought that could happen to someone so close to me" type of experience. But we all knew something was going on with him, so I'm glad that everything is finally in the open and on the table. We have a newly found honesty policy and I love that too :)

I just hope things continue to go so well. Life is a bitch, but sometimes she's pretty beautiful :)

What I Think About You

Last night you asked me to honestly tell you what I think of you. I didn't really answer, and I hope that didn't make you feel upset or confused. I didn't answer because sometimes my words don't come out correctly if I just speak them as I think them. With such a soft subject, they would have come out jumbled and silly. Also, to be honest, I felt like crying when you asked me the question. I felt like crying because it touched me so deeply, because I realized for the first time, that you DO care what I think about you.

I think you are brilliant. I think you have so much knowledge and understanding about the world and people and emotions. Even if you are a little closed, I think you're the easiest person to talk to. And I'm so comfortable telling you anything and everything I think and feel because I know that you won't judge. I know that you'll just listen and not say anything if that's what I wanted. I think you are bright. Not like smart. I already touched down on brilliant, but you're bright. You shine. You make everyone around you happier, no matter what it is that we are doing. You light up every room. Your smile is my favorite thing. Your laugh makes me laugh. Not because it's funny sounding, but because it is contagious. I think you are the most hilarious person that I know. You have the best sense of humor. I think you are deep. The best kind of deep. The kind of deep that some people search their entire lives for. Whenever you and I get into a deep discussion, I always walk away from it completely changed. I have a better sense of who I am and what the world is to me when we have deep conversations. I think you are handsome and charming and sweet. You can be selfish at times, but who isn't? I know that when someone needs you, you are there for them. Or you try your hardest to be. Which counts just as much. I think you are patient. You have a lot of tolerance and you don't have a bad temper. I think you are fun and fantastic and absolutely wonderful.

I know you've been lost lately, and I know you haven't been having the best days. Just remember that everything you're feeling is normal. Even if I can't fully understand how you're feeling, I know there has to be other people who do. I know to an extent, but I think the perception of it is a lot different between male and female. I just know that one day you're going to wake up and everything is just going to be fine. You're going to feel alright and the world will be beautiful again. And you'll feel relieved and refreshed and magnificent. You're going to be okay. You're smart and strong and passionate and you're not one to dwell on things. I know you'll be okay.

I think you're absolutely beautiful. And I'm the luckiest person in the world to be able to call you my brother.