Life is seriously incredible. The older I get, the more I grow and learn. I've always been extremely happy, no matter what, but finally for the first time in my life I feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be. It's such an accomplished feeling. The only downside is; What's next?
Work is the same. Stressful. More responsibilities. But I still love what I do. Plus, I'm good at it.
I have my own apartment. It's really small, but it's mine. I love it here. It's so quiet and peaceful. All of my neighbors are amazing and super nice. What I'm getting for what I'm paying is amazing. Bailey really likes it here too, which is good. I'm happy as long as that little guy is happy.
One of the most important things that I've learned is you really figure out who your true friends are. It's bittersweet. On one hand, you're glad you know who to put your time into. It's nice to have people in your life who are worth the squeeze. The downside is you realize that people you've cared about so much and have put so much time and effort into weren't worth it at all. That's a really shitty feeling, but you get over it quickly. Because that's life and, well, it's not always fair.
Brooke is 12. Almost 13. She starts eighth grade in September, and this will be her last year in middle school. It blows my mind. She's so beautiful and strong and smart. She's so much fun to be around and I love every minute with her. As much as I wanted to keep her a little girl, I love watching her grow up. And I'm extremely excited to be a part of the person she becomes.
That's all I can think of for now. I know it's not much, and I'm sure there's plenty more. Later (:
Monday, June 8, 2015
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Well...
It's been a good three years since I've written anything here. I can honestly say that in some ways, life is the same. And in other ways, it's completely different. I feel like maybe I should start writing again. It's something that I always come back to.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Too Much
My last blog was obviously pure rage. I just don't understand him. He used to be so much smarter than this. He used to be so much better than this.
I hate growing up. Personally, for myself, I love it. I love where I'm at and I'm proud of the things I've been accomplishing. But Kenny. No. I just want to wrap him up in a bubble and make him better. Even though I do realize that that probably won't make anything better at all. I just want to protect him and keep him safe. I also want to punch him in the face for being such an idiot.
I just don't know how we got here. I don't know how he went from straight A's to drugs. I don't even feel like this is even real. It just feels like a very very bad joke. Like an April Fools scenario gone terribly wrong.
I just want to start over. This is too much.
I hate growing up. Personally, for myself, I love it. I love where I'm at and I'm proud of the things I've been accomplishing. But Kenny. No. I just want to wrap him up in a bubble and make him better. Even though I do realize that that probably won't make anything better at all. I just want to protect him and keep him safe. I also want to punch him in the face for being such an idiot.
I just don't know how we got here. I don't know how he went from straight A's to drugs. I don't even feel like this is even real. It just feels like a very very bad joke. Like an April Fools scenario gone terribly wrong.
I just want to start over. This is too much.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Today was supposed to be beautiful
I honestly thought he was done with the drugs. I believed him. I thought things were going so well.
I was terribly foolishly wrong. I was too lenient about everything. And now you've fucked up all over again. And I 100% just don't trust you at all.
You told us you would never touch the drugs again. You said you couldn't stand to hurt us again. Well you did. And you have. And I hope it fucking eats you alive.
You're pathetic.
I was terribly foolishly wrong. I was too lenient about everything. And now you've fucked up all over again. And I 100% just don't trust you at all.
You told us you would never touch the drugs again. You said you couldn't stand to hurt us again. Well you did. And you have. And I hope it fucking eats you alive.
You're pathetic.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
DXM and Other Drugs Like LIfe
Life has taken me to some strange places lately. I don't even really know where to begin.
First things first, I LOVE our new office building. My office is really small with all this furniture in it, but it's so cute and cozy. I absolutely love it. I find myself excited to wake up and come into work. I love having my own personal space. It's so freeing. I can listen to music and it's a lot better than being stuck in the same room with my dad all day.
I'm really glad I have this blog and not many people know about it. Because I'm about to post things here that I don't wish a lot of people to know.
This week has been the most exhausting week of my entire life. We found out last Tuesday or Wednesday that my brother has been taking large doses of dextromethorphan, which is a drug found in a LOT of over the counter medicines. Taken for sicknesses, very low effects. It's in robitussin, nyquil, dayquil, and many others. But taken in large doses, it causes hallucinations, loss of perception and balance and out of body experiences. He was acting weird that night, and his friend Jesse said he kept falling and when Jesse mentioned to Kenny that he kept falling, Kenny had no recollection of it. Even though it had just been a couple minutes before. So Jesse called me to come outside and see if Kenny was okay because he was really worried about it. Jesse told me that all he and Kenny did was smoke pot, but I knew right about that the high Kenny was having was not from weed. Jesse swore to me that's all they did.
So I took Kenny for a ride. I didn't want my dad to see him like that, obviously, so I thought maybe a ride and some food would do him some good.
The longer we drove, the more worried I got. He kept asking me the same things over and over. Not because he wanted to. He just kept forgetting that he had already asked me the questions. Finally, I got so annoyed that I told him I wasn't going to answer any more questions. He kept saying "What?" and finally I was like "WHAT?" And he said "I didn't say anything."
When we got to McDonalds he didn't know what a straw was or how to use it. He was just freaking me out, so I called Jesse to make sure that weed was ALL they did. Jesse, again, swore that's all they did. I decided to call my dad. I was so freaked out that I couldn't think of anything else.
So it turns out that Kenny has been abusing cough syrup. That night, upon arriving home, Kenny told my dad what he was on. Dad asked to see the bottle and Kenny pulled it out from under his bed on the side. My dad asked him how many more were under there and Kenny said two. I got down on my hands and knees. I pulled out one bottle. Two bottles. Three bottles. When I got to five, I made Kenny get off the bed, because I couldn't reach under anymore, and I lifted up the bed. There were about 8-10 more empty bottles under his bed. And those were just the ones he didn't throw away. Those were just the ones he was doing alone in his room after work and stuff.
After crying and having panic attacks, I finally calmed down. For the past week, things have been really good. Kenny has a few rules like he's not allowed to have money on him. He's not allowed to go anywhere without me for the next three months. He has to go to therapy. A few other ones. He seems more than cooperative. He told me that he started taking it because it was a spiritual experience, but that it got out of control.
Kenny adores the idea of getting in touch with himself spiritually. I just wish he'd find a safer way to do it.
So, along with finding out about his secret trip sessions, Kenny and Lexey broke up and there's been a LOT of drama with that. It's just been a dramatic and exhausting week. On top of all the drama, throw in moving offices, and well, it's just crazy. It's been insane.
I love my brother more than anything. We've been through a lot of ups and downs together, but I would do anything for him. And as crazy as it is, I feel closer to him now than ever. Not just because he has to spend so much free time with me, but I just feel like everything is going to be okay. It's a little unreal, him being addicted to something like that. It's kind of like a "never thought that could happen to someone so close to me" type of experience. But we all knew something was going on with him, so I'm glad that everything is finally in the open and on the table. We have a newly found honesty policy and I love that too :)
I just hope things continue to go so well. Life is a bitch, but sometimes she's pretty beautiful :)
First things first, I LOVE our new office building. My office is really small with all this furniture in it, but it's so cute and cozy. I absolutely love it. I find myself excited to wake up and come into work. I love having my own personal space. It's so freeing. I can listen to music and it's a lot better than being stuck in the same room with my dad all day.
I'm really glad I have this blog and not many people know about it. Because I'm about to post things here that I don't wish a lot of people to know.
This week has been the most exhausting week of my entire life. We found out last Tuesday or Wednesday that my brother has been taking large doses of dextromethorphan, which is a drug found in a LOT of over the counter medicines. Taken for sicknesses, very low effects. It's in robitussin, nyquil, dayquil, and many others. But taken in large doses, it causes hallucinations, loss of perception and balance and out of body experiences. He was acting weird that night, and his friend Jesse said he kept falling and when Jesse mentioned to Kenny that he kept falling, Kenny had no recollection of it. Even though it had just been a couple minutes before. So Jesse called me to come outside and see if Kenny was okay because he was really worried about it. Jesse told me that all he and Kenny did was smoke pot, but I knew right about that the high Kenny was having was not from weed. Jesse swore to me that's all they did.
So I took Kenny for a ride. I didn't want my dad to see him like that, obviously, so I thought maybe a ride and some food would do him some good.
The longer we drove, the more worried I got. He kept asking me the same things over and over. Not because he wanted to. He just kept forgetting that he had already asked me the questions. Finally, I got so annoyed that I told him I wasn't going to answer any more questions. He kept saying "What?" and finally I was like "WHAT?" And he said "I didn't say anything."
When we got to McDonalds he didn't know what a straw was or how to use it. He was just freaking me out, so I called Jesse to make sure that weed was ALL they did. Jesse, again, swore that's all they did. I decided to call my dad. I was so freaked out that I couldn't think of anything else.
So it turns out that Kenny has been abusing cough syrup. That night, upon arriving home, Kenny told my dad what he was on. Dad asked to see the bottle and Kenny pulled it out from under his bed on the side. My dad asked him how many more were under there and Kenny said two. I got down on my hands and knees. I pulled out one bottle. Two bottles. Three bottles. When I got to five, I made Kenny get off the bed, because I couldn't reach under anymore, and I lifted up the bed. There were about 8-10 more empty bottles under his bed. And those were just the ones he didn't throw away. Those were just the ones he was doing alone in his room after work and stuff.
After crying and having panic attacks, I finally calmed down. For the past week, things have been really good. Kenny has a few rules like he's not allowed to have money on him. He's not allowed to go anywhere without me for the next three months. He has to go to therapy. A few other ones. He seems more than cooperative. He told me that he started taking it because it was a spiritual experience, but that it got out of control.
Kenny adores the idea of getting in touch with himself spiritually. I just wish he'd find a safer way to do it.
So, along with finding out about his secret trip sessions, Kenny and Lexey broke up and there's been a LOT of drama with that. It's just been a dramatic and exhausting week. On top of all the drama, throw in moving offices, and well, it's just crazy. It's been insane.
I love my brother more than anything. We've been through a lot of ups and downs together, but I would do anything for him. And as crazy as it is, I feel closer to him now than ever. Not just because he has to spend so much free time with me, but I just feel like everything is going to be okay. It's a little unreal, him being addicted to something like that. It's kind of like a "never thought that could happen to someone so close to me" type of experience. But we all knew something was going on with him, so I'm glad that everything is finally in the open and on the table. We have a newly found honesty policy and I love that too :)
I just hope things continue to go so well. Life is a bitch, but sometimes she's pretty beautiful :)
Monday, March 11, 2013
What I Think About You
Last night you asked me to honestly tell you what I think of you. I didn't really answer, and I hope that didn't make you feel upset or confused. I didn't answer because sometimes my words don't come out correctly if I just speak them as I think them. With such a soft subject, they would have come out jumbled and silly. Also, to be honest, I felt like crying when you asked me the question. I felt like crying because it touched me so deeply, because I realized for the first time, that you DO care what I think about you.
I think you are brilliant. I think you have so much knowledge and understanding about the world and people and emotions. Even if you are a little closed, I think you're the easiest person to talk to. And I'm so comfortable telling you anything and everything I think and feel because I know that you won't judge. I know that you'll just listen and not say anything if that's what I wanted. I think you are bright. Not like smart. I already touched down on brilliant, but you're bright. You shine. You make everyone around you happier, no matter what it is that we are doing. You light up every room. Your smile is my favorite thing. Your laugh makes me laugh. Not because it's funny sounding, but because it is contagious. I think you are the most hilarious person that I know. You have the best sense of humor. I think you are deep. The best kind of deep. The kind of deep that some people search their entire lives for. Whenever you and I get into a deep discussion, I always walk away from it completely changed. I have a better sense of who I am and what the world is to me when we have deep conversations. I think you are handsome and charming and sweet. You can be selfish at times, but who isn't? I know that when someone needs you, you are there for them. Or you try your hardest to be. Which counts just as much. I think you are patient. You have a lot of tolerance and you don't have a bad temper. I think you are fun and fantastic and absolutely wonderful.
I know you've been lost lately, and I know you haven't been having the best days. Just remember that everything you're feeling is normal. Even if I can't fully understand how you're feeling, I know there has to be other people who do. I know to an extent, but I think the perception of it is a lot different between male and female. I just know that one day you're going to wake up and everything is just going to be fine. You're going to feel alright and the world will be beautiful again. And you'll feel relieved and refreshed and magnificent. You're going to be okay. You're smart and strong and passionate and you're not one to dwell on things. I know you'll be okay.
I think you're absolutely beautiful. And I'm the luckiest person in the world to be able to call you my brother.
I think you are brilliant. I think you have so much knowledge and understanding about the world and people and emotions. Even if you are a little closed, I think you're the easiest person to talk to. And I'm so comfortable telling you anything and everything I think and feel because I know that you won't judge. I know that you'll just listen and not say anything if that's what I wanted. I think you are bright. Not like smart. I already touched down on brilliant, but you're bright. You shine. You make everyone around you happier, no matter what it is that we are doing. You light up every room. Your smile is my favorite thing. Your laugh makes me laugh. Not because it's funny sounding, but because it is contagious. I think you are the most hilarious person that I know. You have the best sense of humor. I think you are deep. The best kind of deep. The kind of deep that some people search their entire lives for. Whenever you and I get into a deep discussion, I always walk away from it completely changed. I have a better sense of who I am and what the world is to me when we have deep conversations. I think you are handsome and charming and sweet. You can be selfish at times, but who isn't? I know that when someone needs you, you are there for them. Or you try your hardest to be. Which counts just as much. I think you are patient. You have a lot of tolerance and you don't have a bad temper. I think you are fun and fantastic and absolutely wonderful.
I know you've been lost lately, and I know you haven't been having the best days. Just remember that everything you're feeling is normal. Even if I can't fully understand how you're feeling, I know there has to be other people who do. I know to an extent, but I think the perception of it is a lot different between male and female. I just know that one day you're going to wake up and everything is just going to be fine. You're going to feel alright and the world will be beautiful again. And you'll feel relieved and refreshed and magnificent. You're going to be okay. You're smart and strong and passionate and you're not one to dwell on things. I know you'll be okay.
I think you're absolutely beautiful. And I'm the luckiest person in the world to be able to call you my brother.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Quick Words
So, basically I've been looking at office furniture all day. And now I'm even more excited for this move than I was before. This is gonna be incredible :D I can't wait!
I don't recall if I talked about my new office yet. Like, the details of it. I know I mentioned it kind of. I mentioned that I got to pick out my own colors, but I didn't tell you what colors :D
So the room is 10X13. Not huge, but it's a decent amount of space. All around the room is this gorgeous wood trim. It's at the top, middle, and bottom of the wall. The wall above the middle trim will be a really light blue/green color. It's called spa. And the portion of the wall between the middle and the bottom will be this really nice light blue color called Capri. It's gonna look really nice. And we're putting in this squishy multi-colored blue carpet. It's gonna look really nice when it's all said and done. I'm super pumped about it. Especially since my dad will be back to being in his own office and not in the same shared space. So if we get into a fight, we each have our own separate offices to go fume too. haha.
Well that's all the time I have for now. I have to make out this bank deposit and then go and get lunch.
I don't recall if I talked about my new office yet. Like, the details of it. I know I mentioned it kind of. I mentioned that I got to pick out my own colors, but I didn't tell you what colors :D
So the room is 10X13. Not huge, but it's a decent amount of space. All around the room is this gorgeous wood trim. It's at the top, middle, and bottom of the wall. The wall above the middle trim will be a really light blue/green color. It's called spa. And the portion of the wall between the middle and the bottom will be this really nice light blue color called Capri. It's gonna look really nice. And we're putting in this squishy multi-colored blue carpet. It's gonna look really nice when it's all said and done. I'm super pumped about it. Especially since my dad will be back to being in his own office and not in the same shared space. So if we get into a fight, we each have our own separate offices to go fume too. haha.
Well that's all the time I have for now. I have to make out this bank deposit and then go and get lunch.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Stupid Life
I am in a terrible mood today. It's the worst mood ever. I'm just cranky and I have a lot on my mind.
The thing about bad moods is, they are no fun. Not just for the person in them, but for everyone around the person in the bad mood. It's just a bunch of negative energy that takes up all the space around people. So in an attempt to make myself feel a little better, like I at least TRIED to push away the negative energy, I will name all the good things in my life right now.
GOOD THINGS IN MY LIFE :
1. Bailey. Bailey is the cutest dog in the entire world. His face makes me smile, even when he does bad things and is in trouble. Bailey is a good thing in my life.
2. We are moving offices. Now, moving is never fun. BUT, in this case, it is. The reason why is because I will, for the first time in a long time, have my own office to myself again :D I miss that. I had my own office briefly way way back when I first started working there. Then I shared an office with the other office ladies, but my dad was in that office a lot, so it wasn't really my own. Our landlord at our current office raised our rent in a really shady way, so my Dad decided enough is enough. We found a cute building with a LOT of potential. Lexey's mom is doing the painting. And I even got to pick out the colors for my office :D I'll be sharing an office with Ann, but I don't mind because I love Ann. And right now, Ann is only working on Saturdays. But even if she does come back full time, I have no issues with sharing an office with her. I love Ann.
3. Ann. She is awesome. She is an amazing part of my life.
4. I'm alive. This is always a good thing. I decided to put this here, because I am thankful for life. Also, I ran out of good things to list. I literally cannot think of any more good things.
5. I lied. My bed. My bed is probably the best thing. We'll pretend I said my bed first as number one. I could spend eternity in this bed.
6. I had Chinese food for dinner and it was delicious.
So there you have it. Six really good things I have in my life right now. My dog. Moving offices. Ann. Life. My bed. And Chinese food. Sounds pretty solid.
Let's talk about all the bad things in my life. This should be fun. Bringing back the negative energy here :P
BAD THINGS IN MY LIFE :
1. Moving offices. I know. I know. I said this was a good thing, and it is in it's own way. But overall, like I said, moving is no fun. It's going to be tedious and annoying and there's so much to do in preparation. I will not be content until I am settled. Moving is just stressful. And the last thing I need right now is more stress.
2. My dad. He's been such a jerk lately. I know he's stressed out at work and at the techs and there are some things going on with my brother right now that he's not too happy about, but unfortunately, he takes all of that out on me. And that's not okay. Because that's just added extra stress. That I really don't need. That being said, I can't wait to move out. And I've been trying really hard to save up all of my money because I have found some really cute opportunities.
3. My mom is dying. I hate saying it. I hate typing it. I hate even thinking it. But it's true. She was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis a little over a year ago, and has been undergoing chemo therapy and all sorts of other things that scare the shit out of me. My mom and I have never been super close, but we've gotten a lot closer these last few years and, well, she is my mom. I just hate seeing how much pain she is in. I also hate that just because she's in pain, that she treats my little sister like shit. She's ten. Sick or not, she still really needs her mom. That's about all I can say on the subject. It just makes me more sad when I think about it too deeply.
4. My brother. I love him to death, but he's really fucking up lately. He quit school and he's really into acid and shrooms and weed and who knows what else. And it pisses me off because he acts like it's completely normal to be fucked up all the time. Which, I guess it is for some people, but I have another word for people like that; losers. And I hate to say it, but my brother has turned into a real loser. He hasn't seen my mom or my sister in months. He's never home. He's always with his girlfriend and his friends getting high. He works and stuff, but he's pretty much given up on his entire future. He'll tell you he isn't or hasn't, but this road isn't a great one. It's not one that you "do well" on.
5. So lonely. I literally talk to nobody. All of my friends are super busy with shit and I'm pretty busy too, but I mainly don't want to spend money. And it turns out that whenever it comes to my friends and being social, I go through money like it's nothing. So this is part my fault and part theirs. Also, they all have kids. And kids are great and everything, but I can sit at home and do nothing. I'd rather do that than go to your house and do it while also having a child screaming for your attention every half second. It gets too much. AND JAMIE, IF YOU'RE READING THIS, THIS DOESN'T INCLUDE YOU. Nathen is not a baby or a toddler. He's a child and he was very good at self entertainment most of the time. I loved sitting at your house and doing nothing. It's probably my favorite house to do that at :)
6. I'm just really sick of my routine. I want something new in my life. I don't know what it is, but I know I'm missing something. I feel it.
I guess the only thing I can do right now is just focus on what I have in mind for myself. And just take everything else in stride. Sometimes that's just life, and sometimes life isn't so great. But I'm alive I guess that's more than some people can say?
That sounds so stupid.
The thing about bad moods is, they are no fun. Not just for the person in them, but for everyone around the person in the bad mood. It's just a bunch of negative energy that takes up all the space around people. So in an attempt to make myself feel a little better, like I at least TRIED to push away the negative energy, I will name all the good things in my life right now.
GOOD THINGS IN MY LIFE :
1. Bailey. Bailey is the cutest dog in the entire world. His face makes me smile, even when he does bad things and is in trouble. Bailey is a good thing in my life.
2. We are moving offices. Now, moving is never fun. BUT, in this case, it is. The reason why is because I will, for the first time in a long time, have my own office to myself again :D I miss that. I had my own office briefly way way back when I first started working there. Then I shared an office with the other office ladies, but my dad was in that office a lot, so it wasn't really my own. Our landlord at our current office raised our rent in a really shady way, so my Dad decided enough is enough. We found a cute building with a LOT of potential. Lexey's mom is doing the painting. And I even got to pick out the colors for my office :D I'll be sharing an office with Ann, but I don't mind because I love Ann. And right now, Ann is only working on Saturdays. But even if she does come back full time, I have no issues with sharing an office with her. I love Ann.
3. Ann. She is awesome. She is an amazing part of my life.
4. I'm alive. This is always a good thing. I decided to put this here, because I am thankful for life. Also, I ran out of good things to list. I literally cannot think of any more good things.
5. I lied. My bed. My bed is probably the best thing. We'll pretend I said my bed first as number one. I could spend eternity in this bed.
6. I had Chinese food for dinner and it was delicious.
So there you have it. Six really good things I have in my life right now. My dog. Moving offices. Ann. Life. My bed. And Chinese food. Sounds pretty solid.
Let's talk about all the bad things in my life. This should be fun. Bringing back the negative energy here :P
BAD THINGS IN MY LIFE :
1. Moving offices. I know. I know. I said this was a good thing, and it is in it's own way. But overall, like I said, moving is no fun. It's going to be tedious and annoying and there's so much to do in preparation. I will not be content until I am settled. Moving is just stressful. And the last thing I need right now is more stress.
2. My dad. He's been such a jerk lately. I know he's stressed out at work and at the techs and there are some things going on with my brother right now that he's not too happy about, but unfortunately, he takes all of that out on me. And that's not okay. Because that's just added extra stress. That I really don't need. That being said, I can't wait to move out. And I've been trying really hard to save up all of my money because I have found some really cute opportunities.
3. My mom is dying. I hate saying it. I hate typing it. I hate even thinking it. But it's true. She was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis a little over a year ago, and has been undergoing chemo therapy and all sorts of other things that scare the shit out of me. My mom and I have never been super close, but we've gotten a lot closer these last few years and, well, she is my mom. I just hate seeing how much pain she is in. I also hate that just because she's in pain, that she treats my little sister like shit. She's ten. Sick or not, she still really needs her mom. That's about all I can say on the subject. It just makes me more sad when I think about it too deeply.
4. My brother. I love him to death, but he's really fucking up lately. He quit school and he's really into acid and shrooms and weed and who knows what else. And it pisses me off because he acts like it's completely normal to be fucked up all the time. Which, I guess it is for some people, but I have another word for people like that; losers. And I hate to say it, but my brother has turned into a real loser. He hasn't seen my mom or my sister in months. He's never home. He's always with his girlfriend and his friends getting high. He works and stuff, but he's pretty much given up on his entire future. He'll tell you he isn't or hasn't, but this road isn't a great one. It's not one that you "do well" on.
5. So lonely. I literally talk to nobody. All of my friends are super busy with shit and I'm pretty busy too, but I mainly don't want to spend money. And it turns out that whenever it comes to my friends and being social, I go through money like it's nothing. So this is part my fault and part theirs. Also, they all have kids. And kids are great and everything, but I can sit at home and do nothing. I'd rather do that than go to your house and do it while also having a child screaming for your attention every half second. It gets too much. AND JAMIE, IF YOU'RE READING THIS, THIS DOESN'T INCLUDE YOU. Nathen is not a baby or a toddler. He's a child and he was very good at self entertainment most of the time. I loved sitting at your house and doing nothing. It's probably my favorite house to do that at :)
6. I'm just really sick of my routine. I want something new in my life. I don't know what it is, but I know I'm missing something. I feel it.
I guess the only thing I can do right now is just focus on what I have in mind for myself. And just take everything else in stride. Sometimes that's just life, and sometimes life isn't so great. But I'm alive I guess that's more than some people can say?
That sounds so stupid.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Winter Storms and an Overdose of Estrogen
Winter storms. Probably the worst thing ever invented in the history of inventions. I cannot stand the snow, which is hilarious and ironic considering I live in Michigan. Michigan's weather is a joke. One day, it's all sunny and warm and lovely. The next day it's snowing and it's ugly and gray and terrible. And then it rains. It's like...bi-polar weather.
Dad gave everybody the day off tomorrow considering it's hard to do pest control for bugs in the middle of a winter snow storm. I'm still going into work though. I have some things I need to get done, plus, I don't want to lose the hours. Losing hours = losing money. And I don't really like the idea of that. Especially considering I'm in the process of saving up to move out right now.
I'm going to my cousin's baby shower on Saturday. I hate baby showers. Too much estrogen. It'll be nice to see family though. Although, I'm not looking forward to driving an hour and a half by myself. I asked my cousin if she wanted to ride with me, but she hates being in a car with smoke. My mom asked me if I wanted to ride up with her in my Aunt Kim's car, but I hate being passenger. Plus, an hour and a half car ride with my mother, my aunt, my little sister and who knows who else? No thank you. Plus, they'll probably stay later than I want to.
That's about it for now. I was really bored and felt like typing. So this was nice :P
Dad gave everybody the day off tomorrow considering it's hard to do pest control for bugs in the middle of a winter snow storm. I'm still going into work though. I have some things I need to get done, plus, I don't want to lose the hours. Losing hours = losing money. And I don't really like the idea of that. Especially considering I'm in the process of saving up to move out right now.
I'm going to my cousin's baby shower on Saturday. I hate baby showers. Too much estrogen. It'll be nice to see family though. Although, I'm not looking forward to driving an hour and a half by myself. I asked my cousin if she wanted to ride with me, but she hates being in a car with smoke. My mom asked me if I wanted to ride up with her in my Aunt Kim's car, but I hate being passenger. Plus, an hour and a half car ride with my mother, my aunt, my little sister and who knows who else? No thank you. Plus, they'll probably stay later than I want to.
That's about it for now. I was really bored and felt like typing. So this was nice :P
Just stopping in really quick to say...Facebook is really annoying. One hundred percent the most annoying website in my life right now. All anyone does on there is complain or talk shit. I can honestly say, half the people I love and adore, annoy the shit out of me whenever I read anything they post.
That's all I wanted to say. I'm super tired and bed sounds like heaven on earth.
That's all I wanted to say. I'm super tired and bed sounds like heaven on earth.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Update of Life
I haven't typed in my blog since August. That's a lot time. I don't think I meant for so much time to pass, but I guess I really didn't have too much to say.
I miss writing. I miss it a lot. I miss it so much that I started writing a book. It's about 30 pages long and I'm officially stuck in the plot. My characters have reached their destination, and now I'm not really sure where to have them go. And I can't end it. It would be a very short book if I ended it now. Oh well. I don't even think I like it that much. I think I just wanted to type about something. Something more interesting than my life :P
I'm moving soon. I'm so excited for that. My own house. House. Me. My own. I'm going to have a roommate though. Only because I think a three bedroom house will get lonely. So my brother's girlfriend will be moving in with me. Her name is Lexey and she's amazing. She has a silly and very chill personality. We never fight, and I doubt we ever will. I know a lot of people say that and then end up fighting, but she's basically been living at my dad's house with me and Kenny for the last 3 months, and if her coming into my room randomly at certain points and falling asleep in my bed next to me hasn't annoyed me, I doubt sharing a 3 bedroom house with her will.
The houses that I'm looking at are adorable. They're mobile homes, but they're really nice ones and they're so cheap! Only 700 dollars a month. I just got a raise at work and I've been saving up, so I should have about 3-4 grand by June/July, and that's more than enough for the security deposit and the pet fees. Plus, I want a new bed and we're going to have to get some furniture, but I've found so much amazing furniture already.
I'm just so excited to have my own place. My dad has really been getting on my nerves lately. He's been really mean and sassy and I just want out. I want to be able to come home to MY house and relax in front of MY tv or take a bath in MY bath tub.
It's the perfect set up too. There are 3 bedrooms and 2 full bathrooms. The master bedroom and the master bathroom are on one side of the house. The master bedroom is huge with a huge walk in closet and the master bathroom is attached and has a huge Jacuzzi tub and a standing shower and everything. Then Lexey will have whatever bedroom is the largest out of the remaining 2 and she gets the other bathroom to herself. And then the third bedroom will be a guest bedroom for whenever someone wants to spend the night. In my mind, it's mainly for Brooke. I want to decorate it really cute. I want to decorate my whole house cute. I want to make everyone who comes in feel comfortable and warm.
Lexey is an artist. A really good artist. And I told her that if she makes them look professional and she lets me put them in nice frames, then she can hang her art in our house. She's really excited about that. We both agreed that we like square plates and bowls. So we'll be on the hunt for those soon.
Well, I suppose that's all I have to say for now. I'm sure I'll have more later. Until next time!
I miss writing. I miss it a lot. I miss it so much that I started writing a book. It's about 30 pages long and I'm officially stuck in the plot. My characters have reached their destination, and now I'm not really sure where to have them go. And I can't end it. It would be a very short book if I ended it now. Oh well. I don't even think I like it that much. I think I just wanted to type about something. Something more interesting than my life :P
I'm moving soon. I'm so excited for that. My own house. House. Me. My own. I'm going to have a roommate though. Only because I think a three bedroom house will get lonely. So my brother's girlfriend will be moving in with me. Her name is Lexey and she's amazing. She has a silly and very chill personality. We never fight, and I doubt we ever will. I know a lot of people say that and then end up fighting, but she's basically been living at my dad's house with me and Kenny for the last 3 months, and if her coming into my room randomly at certain points and falling asleep in my bed next to me hasn't annoyed me, I doubt sharing a 3 bedroom house with her will.
The houses that I'm looking at are adorable. They're mobile homes, but they're really nice ones and they're so cheap! Only 700 dollars a month. I just got a raise at work and I've been saving up, so I should have about 3-4 grand by June/July, and that's more than enough for the security deposit and the pet fees. Plus, I want a new bed and we're going to have to get some furniture, but I've found so much amazing furniture already.
I'm just so excited to have my own place. My dad has really been getting on my nerves lately. He's been really mean and sassy and I just want out. I want to be able to come home to MY house and relax in front of MY tv or take a bath in MY bath tub.
It's the perfect set up too. There are 3 bedrooms and 2 full bathrooms. The master bedroom and the master bathroom are on one side of the house. The master bedroom is huge with a huge walk in closet and the master bathroom is attached and has a huge Jacuzzi tub and a standing shower and everything. Then Lexey will have whatever bedroom is the largest out of the remaining 2 and she gets the other bathroom to herself. And then the third bedroom will be a guest bedroom for whenever someone wants to spend the night. In my mind, it's mainly for Brooke. I want to decorate it really cute. I want to decorate my whole house cute. I want to make everyone who comes in feel comfortable and warm.
Lexey is an artist. A really good artist. And I told her that if she makes them look professional and she lets me put them in nice frames, then she can hang her art in our house. She's really excited about that. We both agreed that we like square plates and bowls. So we'll be on the hunt for those soon.
Well, I suppose that's all I have to say for now. I'm sure I'll have more later. Until next time!
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Just Life
I suppose at some points during your life, you should slowly realize that discontentment with yourself will be inevitable.
You will feel lonely and uninvited. You will feel out of place and out of body.
It’s not so much the teenaged angst “no one understands what I’m going through” sort of experience; More like a familiar reminder that life isn’t always up.
Friends won’t always be there.
You won’t always have plans.
Some days you will feel tired and down.
Sort of apathetic and distant.
Your reflection in the mirror won’t be what you want to see.
Even your own voice may get deep under your skin.
You might make a keen observation as to how ordinarily boring you seem.
Or maybe that deep unwanted feeling.
Perhaps, you’ll notice how everyone around you seems happier and better off.
Solution :
Cry a little. Cry a lot. Cry loud. Sob deeply. It feels good.
Remember that “this too, shall pass”.
Take a deep breath and remind yourself that there is only one you in this world.
Take a moment to understand that despite how you feel, you ARE important.
You ARE beautiful.
You are WORTH it.
Keep moving.
Keep working.
Smile harder.
Laugh louder.
You’ll be just fine.
It’s just a rut.
It’s just a phase.
It’s just life.
You will feel lonely and uninvited. You will feel out of place and out of body.
It’s not so much the teenaged angst “no one understands what I’m going through” sort of experience; More like a familiar reminder that life isn’t always up.
Friends won’t always be there.
You won’t always have plans.
Some days you will feel tired and down.
Sort of apathetic and distant.
Your reflection in the mirror won’t be what you want to see.
Even your own voice may get deep under your skin.
You might make a keen observation as to how ordinarily boring you seem.
Or maybe that deep unwanted feeling.
Perhaps, you’ll notice how everyone around you seems happier and better off.
Solution :
Cry a little. Cry a lot. Cry loud. Sob deeply. It feels good.
Remember that “this too, shall pass”.
Take a deep breath and remind yourself that there is only one you in this world.
Take a moment to understand that despite how you feel, you ARE important.
You ARE beautiful.
You are WORTH it.
Keep moving.
Keep working.
Smile harder.
Laugh louder.
You’ll be just fine.
It’s just a rut.
It’s just a phase.
It’s just life.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Realizing Ordinary
The realization that you're just ordinary is probably the most perplexing feeling. Because you're not weird or unique or intriguing. No one is curious about you. You're just merely there and that's all you'll ever be.
You have no secret hidden talents or special qualities that set you apart from anybody else. You're just ordinary and no one really cares about that. No one wishes to know more about you. You don't fascinate or capture anyone's attention.
I was happier when I thought I was weird. I was happier when I thought I had people's attention. I liked feeling like, even though it wasn't a lot of people, at least some people were interested in knowing me.
Lately, no one is interested in knowing me. No one calls me. No one really talks to me. No one invites me to do anything. All of my "friends" have moved on with their lives. And I'm just stuck here. Being ordinary and boring and pointless.
There is really no specific reason I am here. I'm just here. Wasting oxygen. Going about my day. Going through my daily routines of nothing important. Waking up. Working. Going home. Sleeping. Waking up. Working. Going home. Sleeping. Eating dinner. Watching a movie. Smoking a cigarette.
The only person in this world who even makes me feel good is Bailey. And Bailey is a dog. And as amazing and adorable as he is, I'm afraid to say that I don't think he counts for much.
So that's it. The realization that you're ordinary. My original point. It's a very lonely feeling. It's a feeling so lonely that I find myself laying in bed at night, for hours, just wondering what's the point of even being on this earth. What is my purpose? Why the fuck am I even here? I have no purpose. There is no point to my existence. I'm just an ordinary, boring, useless person.
I'm not funny. I'm not pretty. I'm not smart. I'm not skinny. I'm not interesting. I'm not unique. I'm not witty. I'm talentless. I offer absolutely nothing to planet earth, or the other almost 7 billion people who populate it.
I've never been so discontent with myself in my entire life.
You have no secret hidden talents or special qualities that set you apart from anybody else. You're just ordinary and no one really cares about that. No one wishes to know more about you. You don't fascinate or capture anyone's attention.
I was happier when I thought I was weird. I was happier when I thought I had people's attention. I liked feeling like, even though it wasn't a lot of people, at least some people were interested in knowing me.
Lately, no one is interested in knowing me. No one calls me. No one really talks to me. No one invites me to do anything. All of my "friends" have moved on with their lives. And I'm just stuck here. Being ordinary and boring and pointless.
There is really no specific reason I am here. I'm just here. Wasting oxygen. Going about my day. Going through my daily routines of nothing important. Waking up. Working. Going home. Sleeping. Waking up. Working. Going home. Sleeping. Eating dinner. Watching a movie. Smoking a cigarette.
The only person in this world who even makes me feel good is Bailey. And Bailey is a dog. And as amazing and adorable as he is, I'm afraid to say that I don't think he counts for much.
So that's it. The realization that you're ordinary. My original point. It's a very lonely feeling. It's a feeling so lonely that I find myself laying in bed at night, for hours, just wondering what's the point of even being on this earth. What is my purpose? Why the fuck am I even here? I have no purpose. There is no point to my existence. I'm just an ordinary, boring, useless person.
I'm not funny. I'm not pretty. I'm not smart. I'm not skinny. I'm not interesting. I'm not unique. I'm not witty. I'm talentless. I offer absolutely nothing to planet earth, or the other almost 7 billion people who populate it.
I've never been so discontent with myself in my entire life.
Friday, August 17, 2012
What.
I'm going to be 23 next month.
It feels weird, because when I was younger, I could never comprehend being an adult.
I always thought I was some weird breed of human, and that I would never grow up or get older.
Here I am. grown up and older. And still growing up and getting older.
I'm afraid that I'm going to wake up, 30 years old and nothing accomplished. I feel that way sometimes. Unaccomplished. I really can't think of anything that I've done to better my life or the world. I feel like I have nothing to show for it.
I guess there are worse things in life than being unaccomplished.
Hey, at least I'm not in jail?
It feels weird, because when I was younger, I could never comprehend being an adult.
I always thought I was some weird breed of human, and that I would never grow up or get older.
Here I am. grown up and older. And still growing up and getting older.
I'm afraid that I'm going to wake up, 30 years old and nothing accomplished. I feel that way sometimes. Unaccomplished. I really can't think of anything that I've done to better my life or the world. I feel like I have nothing to show for it.
I guess there are worse things in life than being unaccomplished.
Hey, at least I'm not in jail?
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Fife Life
Up north turned out to be not as great as I thought. A lot of heat. A lot of bugs. Turns out, my brother drunk is not the greatest thing in the world. haha. No. I take that back. My brother drunk is pretty great, but there are a lot of ups and downs to camping.
So, let's just say, when I got home yesterday I was a bit more happier than I thought I'd be.
We ended the trip early because Mike and Kenny literally broke our tent. Our amazing tent. Fucker was huge. Had a couch. A table. A lamp. Two queen sized air mattresses. It was the chill pad. The adults called it "The pothead party tent" because that's where all us kidults (we're still kids, but we're the age of adults) came to get fuuuuuuuuuucked up. Smoked the pot tent. Drank all the alcohol tent. You know. The party. And Mike and Kenny broke it. They ruined our house. hah.
So me and Alex came home yesterday. I took a nap. Had an amaaaaaaazing shower. Got to cuddle with Bailey and Gizmo (: Which is good. Because I missed them a lot. I don't think Gizmo missed me too much, but I know Bailey did. He was so excited when I walked in the door I thought his butt was gonna fall off. haha.
I'm still going to Pennsylvania tomorrow. I'm real excited to see Jamie and Nate :D I get paid tomorrow so I'll hit the road after work. Also, I need to call and pay my stupid speeding ticket. Fuck small town cops.
Other than the downs, the ups were awesome (: Especially the part where I got drunk as fuck and punched my brother in the face for $20.00. LOL
Oh boy. Fife Life.
So, let's just say, when I got home yesterday I was a bit more happier than I thought I'd be.
We ended the trip early because Mike and Kenny literally broke our tent. Our amazing tent. Fucker was huge. Had a couch. A table. A lamp. Two queen sized air mattresses. It was the chill pad. The adults called it "The pothead party tent" because that's where all us kidults (we're still kids, but we're the age of adults) came to get fuuuuuuuuuucked up. Smoked the pot tent. Drank all the alcohol tent. You know. The party. And Mike and Kenny broke it. They ruined our house. hah.
So me and Alex came home yesterday. I took a nap. Had an amaaaaaaazing shower. Got to cuddle with Bailey and Gizmo (: Which is good. Because I missed them a lot. I don't think Gizmo missed me too much, but I know Bailey did. He was so excited when I walked in the door I thought his butt was gonna fall off. haha.
I'm still going to Pennsylvania tomorrow. I'm real excited to see Jamie and Nate :D I get paid tomorrow so I'll hit the road after work. Also, I need to call and pay my stupid speeding ticket. Fuck small town cops.
Other than the downs, the ups were awesome (: Especially the part where I got drunk as fuck and punched my brother in the face for $20.00. LOL
Oh boy. Fife Life.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Partner In Crime
I suppose I should make myself perfectly clear before I come off as negative. I just want to say that I am not negative. I've actually only been negative for a short period in my life, and I am way past that period.
Here's the thing. I love being single. I love that I have no drama and no "commitment" and no bullshit. I love that I can do whatever I want when I want. I can flirt and giggle and do all of that shit and not have to feel guilty about it.
But I've been single for a long ass time.
And I seriously miss the feeling of being loved. And someone being there for me.
So, why don't you just go out and get a boyfriend, you ask? Yeah. You try it.
Now, I'm not saying that I'm fat or ugly or both, but let's just say that if guys really wanted your personality, then I'd have so many guys after me that I wouldn't even know what to do with myself. I'd probably just end up spinning around in circles and peeing everywhere. That kind of overwhelmed.
Because I have a great personality. I know this for a fact. I'm not a jealous person. I'm not clingy. I'm not confrontational. I've never been great at nagging. I'm not immature or stuck up or annoying or ridiculous, or any other of the fucked up traits that guys put up with in order to be with someone who is physically attractive.
I'm funny. I'm spontaneous. I don't have kids. I have a good job. I have my own car. I have a great family who supports me in every way. I have awesome friends who are just as equally awesome as my awesome family. I'm good with advice and listening and I'm just an all around big ball of fun in a basket.
So what the fuck?
Here's my favorite, "I wish I could date a girl like you."
Uh....so fucking date me? You know I've been single for 80 years.
"I wish there were more girls like you. You have a good head on your shoulders."
Uh....there's....me?....with a good head...on my shoulders.
"My girlfriend is so annoying. And she always wants to know what I'm doing and where I'm at and who I'm with. Why can't she just be chill like you?"
UHHHH...I'M FUCKING CHILL YA DUMB FUCK.
So. There are just a few examples of idiots.
And yeah yeah. I know, I know. "If they can't see what a great catch you are then they don't deserve you."
Shut the fuck up. That's just something that people who are actually happy with someone say to someone who can't catch a great guy.
And then there are a couple of my friends. Who have the WORST personality traits and yet manage to find these awesome guys who are just ready to marry the fuck out of them.
We'll start with my one friend. We will call her Friend One. Original? I thought so too (:
Friend One has not graduated from high school. Therefore, she will never find an actual job (no offense). She will never make enough money to live super comfortably. Friend One has a terrible attitude and an even worse outlook on life and the world in general. She is naive, uneducated, and kind of bitchy. Now, I'm not talking shit. I'm just saying. There are certain things that I and Friend One do NOT talk about because it usually results in a huge fight and not talking for weeks. And on a friend level, she's one of the best there is. So I do not like fighting with Friend One. Because she will be my friend for life. But who the fuck actually dates someone like that? Her boyfriend. Who is older and makes good money and is sweet and mature. He's letting her move into his cute little trailer with him and he's been helping her raise her daughter for the past year.
What the fuck????
Then there is Friend Two. Who treats her amazingly awesome and sweet and funny and cute boyfriend like shit. And she flirts with her ex boyfriends who she has sexual tension with. And she's selfish and kind of bitchy and irritating at times. And if things don't go her way, she pouts and gets mad.
WHAT THE FUCK????
And those are just a couple out of a hundred other examples I could provide. And you know why they have cute and awesome and financially stable boyfriends? Because they're fucking pretty.
And in the world today, pretty means getting whatever the fuck you want.
Oh, what was that Mandy? You have brains and wit and you're not a clingy psycho bitch from hell? OH WELL. You're shit out of luck because you got royally jipped in the gene pool department.
Cool.
That's part of the reason I've been trying to lose weight. Because, lucky for me, I'm not completely hideous to look at, but I know that me being bigger has kept away a few guys. And when I say a few, I mean all of them. Here's the depressing part. I'm going to lose all of this weight and I'm gonna be looking all fine and shit, and a WHOLE BUNCH of guys will start showing interest. And then I'm going to have to remind myself that they're only interested BECAUSE I look good.
And that's not a great foundation for a sound and sturdy relationship.
Here's another good part. I don't even want what most girls want. Most girls want that fairy tale dream guy who will clean up after them and buy them shit and wine and dine them and woo them and be romantic and give them the world.
I just want a best friend who will be there for me and have sex with me once in awhile. haha. I want that guy who's not afraid to call me out on my bullshit. I want someone who likes being random and funny and obnoxious, but knows when to be sweet and serious. I just want to be told I'm pretty. And interesting. I just wanna hold hands and go for long walks and tell eachother everything.
I don't want a fairy tale. I don't want a dream wedding with a fucking lavish gown and a million people to show up and I don't want the spotlight on me and the gifts and the shit.
I just want a partner in crime.
And it's fucking depressing because all the good guys are already taken by psycho bitches with terrible personalities.
The world is a joke.
Here's the thing. I love being single. I love that I have no drama and no "commitment" and no bullshit. I love that I can do whatever I want when I want. I can flirt and giggle and do all of that shit and not have to feel guilty about it.
But I've been single for a long ass time.
And I seriously miss the feeling of being loved. And someone being there for me.
So, why don't you just go out and get a boyfriend, you ask? Yeah. You try it.
Now, I'm not saying that I'm fat or ugly or both, but let's just say that if guys really wanted your personality, then I'd have so many guys after me that I wouldn't even know what to do with myself. I'd probably just end up spinning around in circles and peeing everywhere. That kind of overwhelmed.
Because I have a great personality. I know this for a fact. I'm not a jealous person. I'm not clingy. I'm not confrontational. I've never been great at nagging. I'm not immature or stuck up or annoying or ridiculous, or any other of the fucked up traits that guys put up with in order to be with someone who is physically attractive.
I'm funny. I'm spontaneous. I don't have kids. I have a good job. I have my own car. I have a great family who supports me in every way. I have awesome friends who are just as equally awesome as my awesome family. I'm good with advice and listening and I'm just an all around big ball of fun in a basket.
So what the fuck?
Here's my favorite, "I wish I could date a girl like you."
Uh....so fucking date me? You know I've been single for 80 years.
"I wish there were more girls like you. You have a good head on your shoulders."
Uh....there's....me?....with a good head...on my shoulders.
"My girlfriend is so annoying. And she always wants to know what I'm doing and where I'm at and who I'm with. Why can't she just be chill like you?"
UHHHH...I'M FUCKING CHILL YA DUMB FUCK.
So. There are just a few examples of idiots.
And yeah yeah. I know, I know. "If they can't see what a great catch you are then they don't deserve you."
Shut the fuck up. That's just something that people who are actually happy with someone say to someone who can't catch a great guy.
And then there are a couple of my friends. Who have the WORST personality traits and yet manage to find these awesome guys who are just ready to marry the fuck out of them.
We'll start with my one friend. We will call her Friend One. Original? I thought so too (:
Friend One has not graduated from high school. Therefore, she will never find an actual job (no offense). She will never make enough money to live super comfortably. Friend One has a terrible attitude and an even worse outlook on life and the world in general. She is naive, uneducated, and kind of bitchy. Now, I'm not talking shit. I'm just saying. There are certain things that I and Friend One do NOT talk about because it usually results in a huge fight and not talking for weeks. And on a friend level, she's one of the best there is. So I do not like fighting with Friend One. Because she will be my friend for life. But who the fuck actually dates someone like that? Her boyfriend. Who is older and makes good money and is sweet and mature. He's letting her move into his cute little trailer with him and he's been helping her raise her daughter for the past year.
What the fuck????
Then there is Friend Two. Who treats her amazingly awesome and sweet and funny and cute boyfriend like shit. And she flirts with her ex boyfriends who she has sexual tension with. And she's selfish and kind of bitchy and irritating at times. And if things don't go her way, she pouts and gets mad.
WHAT THE FUCK????
And those are just a couple out of a hundred other examples I could provide. And you know why they have cute and awesome and financially stable boyfriends? Because they're fucking pretty.
And in the world today, pretty means getting whatever the fuck you want.
Oh, what was that Mandy? You have brains and wit and you're not a clingy psycho bitch from hell? OH WELL. You're shit out of luck because you got royally jipped in the gene pool department.
Cool.
That's part of the reason I've been trying to lose weight. Because, lucky for me, I'm not completely hideous to look at, but I know that me being bigger has kept away a few guys. And when I say a few, I mean all of them. Here's the depressing part. I'm going to lose all of this weight and I'm gonna be looking all fine and shit, and a WHOLE BUNCH of guys will start showing interest. And then I'm going to have to remind myself that they're only interested BECAUSE I look good.
And that's not a great foundation for a sound and sturdy relationship.
Here's another good part. I don't even want what most girls want. Most girls want that fairy tale dream guy who will clean up after them and buy them shit and wine and dine them and woo them and be romantic and give them the world.
I just want a best friend who will be there for me and have sex with me once in awhile. haha. I want that guy who's not afraid to call me out on my bullshit. I want someone who likes being random and funny and obnoxious, but knows when to be sweet and serious. I just want to be told I'm pretty. And interesting. I just wanna hold hands and go for long walks and tell eachother everything.
I don't want a fairy tale. I don't want a dream wedding with a fucking lavish gown and a million people to show up and I don't want the spotlight on me and the gifts and the shit.
I just want a partner in crime.
And it's fucking depressing because all the good guys are already taken by psycho bitches with terrible personalities.
The world is a joke.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
9 Days
Just nine. I can practically taste the air up north, that's how close I am to this vacation. I am absolutely so fucking excited. I can't even type properly. I've already corrected about eighteen spelling mistakes.
The only downside is now the time is going even slower. Although, this day has flown by pretty fast. It feels like a Friday and I was so excited because I thought I was getting paid. But it's just Thursday. And I'm not getting paid.
AHHHH. I can't take it.
On another note, I need to make a more serious blog post soon. I did it on tumblr, but I have so many followers on tumblr. So I feel like I'm pouring my heart out to a bunch of strangers and a couple close family members and friends. And it's weird because it's not really something I want to talk about to the whole world.
On here, the only person who is following me is Jamie, and I know I can tell that girl literally anything. So I don't mind if she reads it. And any other strays up in here reading my shit, that's cool too because I don't know you :) SO boom.
But yes. Excitement. Craziness. Not even close to prepared. Probably won't even be prepared ever. But who cares? Not this girl! :D
The only downside is now the time is going even slower. Although, this day has flown by pretty fast. It feels like a Friday and I was so excited because I thought I was getting paid. But it's just Thursday. And I'm not getting paid.
AHHHH. I can't take it.
On another note, I need to make a more serious blog post soon. I did it on tumblr, but I have so many followers on tumblr. So I feel like I'm pouring my heart out to a bunch of strangers and a couple close family members and friends. And it's weird because it's not really something I want to talk about to the whole world.
On here, the only person who is following me is Jamie, and I know I can tell that girl literally anything. So I don't mind if she reads it. And any other strays up in here reading my shit, that's cool too because I don't know you :) SO boom.
But yes. Excitement. Craziness. Not even close to prepared. Probably won't even be prepared ever. But who cares? Not this girl! :D
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Oh, Brother!
Kenny can be mad at me all he wants. I know that brothers and sisters are supposed to "have one another s back" and all that good shit, and I'm down for that when it comes to certain things, but I'm not okay with him fucking around with a 14 year old. Especially since he just turned 18 two weeks ago. And especially not behind my dad's back in my father's house.
We have rules, as children. We have always had rules. And of course now that he's 18 he doesn't have a curfew or anything. But 18 is not an official ticket to just do whatever the fuck you want.
I like Cammie. She's a nice girl. I mean, I only met her once, but she was very sweet and respectful. However, messing around with an 18 year old guy you're not even dating is kind of...gross. I look at that as a person who has no respect for herself. Especially when you're like 14 or 15 and his parent(s) is/are not home.
As we get older, I'm starting to realize that my brother and I are two completely different people. I mean, obviously, since we are literally two different people, but it's almost like he's retained nothing. I made a lot of mistakes when I was younger. Between the ages of 13 and 17, I was a complete mess. I broke all the rules and did the bad things and got in trouble. And he was innocent little Kenny. And now the roles are completely reversed. Around 18 and 19, and especially after that, I grew up. I truly let right and wrong sink in and I try to deal with all life's situations maturely and open minded. I try to do the right thing and be respectful.
The only people who come into my house when my dad's not home are my friends. And I hardly ever have guys in the house when my dad isn't home. And even if I do have a guy in my house when my dad isn't home, he's not uderage and we aren't playing doctor with my bedroom door closed.
Kenny is really mad at me. And I feel bad for "tattling", but I really am just looking out for him. Sure, I could have talked to him myself, but will that really do any good? No. No 18 year old boy high and mighty on a newly found power trip wants to listen to the preaching words of his 22 year old sister. But I know for a fact that Cammie's parents don't like her hanging out with Kenny because of his age. And I know for a fact that if her parents ever found out that their just barely pubescent daughter was shacked up with her shorts at her ankles in my brother's non parental supervised house that they would more than likely press charges. And by pressing charges, that would make my only think with one head brother a sex offender. Which can pretty much ruin your entire life as you know it.
I mean, I don't even want to think about what would happen if he got her pregnant. Or pissed her off. Which, for those of you who don't know too many girls at that age, it's not too hard to piss them off.
I just wish he would think. He doesn't have any common sense, and if he does, he doesn't listen to it. At all. Which is a huge difference between us because I think about everything before I do it. Not just ponder it or swish it around inside my brain for a few minutes, I mean, I REALLY think about it.
For instance, I could have just called my dad on the spot yesterday when I walked in and saw Cammie's shoes at the front door. Or when my brother came out of his closed room just wearing basketball shorts. Or during any point in the brief conversation, especially when the words "I'm 18. What's dad going to say?" came out of my ever knowing little brother's mouth.
I asked him if they were having sex and he said, "No. I'm wearing shorts?" And I said, "Is Cammie wearing shorts?" And he said no.
But no. I didn't call my dad. I didn't tell on him right away. I thought it over. And I slept on it. And I thought everything through. The pros and cons of tattling.
And I decided, that as an adult, it would be in his best interest if my father knew and had a talk with him. Because Kenny just doesn't know how to fucking think.
So be mad all you want. I'm sure you'll be thankful when you make it past the age of 19 before you're a father. Or when you can actually get a decent job because you're NOT on the sex offenders list for the rest of your stupid ignorant life.
We have rules, as children. We have always had rules. And of course now that he's 18 he doesn't have a curfew or anything. But 18 is not an official ticket to just do whatever the fuck you want.
I like Cammie. She's a nice girl. I mean, I only met her once, but she was very sweet and respectful. However, messing around with an 18 year old guy you're not even dating is kind of...gross. I look at that as a person who has no respect for herself. Especially when you're like 14 or 15 and his parent(s) is/are not home.
As we get older, I'm starting to realize that my brother and I are two completely different people. I mean, obviously, since we are literally two different people, but it's almost like he's retained nothing. I made a lot of mistakes when I was younger. Between the ages of 13 and 17, I was a complete mess. I broke all the rules and did the bad things and got in trouble. And he was innocent little Kenny. And now the roles are completely reversed. Around 18 and 19, and especially after that, I grew up. I truly let right and wrong sink in and I try to deal with all life's situations maturely and open minded. I try to do the right thing and be respectful.
The only people who come into my house when my dad's not home are my friends. And I hardly ever have guys in the house when my dad isn't home. And even if I do have a guy in my house when my dad isn't home, he's not uderage and we aren't playing doctor with my bedroom door closed.
Kenny is really mad at me. And I feel bad for "tattling", but I really am just looking out for him. Sure, I could have talked to him myself, but will that really do any good? No. No 18 year old boy high and mighty on a newly found power trip wants to listen to the preaching words of his 22 year old sister. But I know for a fact that Cammie's parents don't like her hanging out with Kenny because of his age. And I know for a fact that if her parents ever found out that their just barely pubescent daughter was shacked up with her shorts at her ankles in my brother's non parental supervised house that they would more than likely press charges. And by pressing charges, that would make my only think with one head brother a sex offender. Which can pretty much ruin your entire life as you know it.
I mean, I don't even want to think about what would happen if he got her pregnant. Or pissed her off. Which, for those of you who don't know too many girls at that age, it's not too hard to piss them off.
I just wish he would think. He doesn't have any common sense, and if he does, he doesn't listen to it. At all. Which is a huge difference between us because I think about everything before I do it. Not just ponder it or swish it around inside my brain for a few minutes, I mean, I REALLY think about it.
For instance, I could have just called my dad on the spot yesterday when I walked in and saw Cammie's shoes at the front door. Or when my brother came out of his closed room just wearing basketball shorts. Or during any point in the brief conversation, especially when the words "I'm 18. What's dad going to say?" came out of my ever knowing little brother's mouth.
I asked him if they were having sex and he said, "No. I'm wearing shorts?" And I said, "Is Cammie wearing shorts?" And he said no.
But no. I didn't call my dad. I didn't tell on him right away. I thought it over. And I slept on it. And I thought everything through. The pros and cons of tattling.
And I decided, that as an adult, it would be in his best interest if my father knew and had a talk with him. Because Kenny just doesn't know how to fucking think.
So be mad all you want. I'm sure you'll be thankful when you make it past the age of 19 before you're a father. Or when you can actually get a decent job because you're NOT on the sex offenders list for the rest of your stupid ignorant life.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Phone Chats and Excitement
So Kenny is officially driving himself up. Him and Mike are taking Mike's car. Which means I get the iTrip :D Only 24 days and then I leave (: I'm so excited I could pee myself right now. Or, that could just be the fact that I really really have to pee.
But anyway :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
I have so much I need to do before I go. I still need to find inner tubes to go down the river in. Although, I might just wanna skip out on going down the river altogether. It's just a really big headache. First we all have to drive to the drop off where we will be getting out of the river. Then there also has to be a person who isn't going down the river, which could end up being me, who will drive everyone to the starting point. Which takes a few trips. haha. And then the water is cold. And there are bugs that buzz in your ear (And if you know me at all, you'll know that is the number one thing that bugs the fuck outta me. I hate things buzzing in my ear with a passion. It's annoying and it tickles and I want no part in it.). And there are big pokey sticks that stick out of the water and poke you in the asshole...if you're not careful. I don't know. Just a hassle. And everybody gets drunk and sings and there are always the couple few who are so drunk and focused on waking up every single animal with their dying cat-like voices, that they end up falling into the water and screaming for help like their life is over. And it's so weird because if you have to pee you just have to do it right then and there. In your bathing suit. In the inner tube. In the river. haha.
So maybe I will skip out on all that jazz. All I know is I am swimming and relaxing and drinking all of those days away. I might take a break for the parade, but start up again for the fireworks. I just can't wait to sleep whenever I want and relax. I don't even know. It's going to be heaven.
I think I'll leave Fife on the 5th. Drop Alex off at home. And then be on my way to lovely Pennsylvania to see Miss Jamie!! And the lovely little Nate (: I'm so excited to meet them <3 It's going to be amazing :)
That's really all I have on the update. I need to talk to Jamie about this ASAP. But she's a flake when it comes to our phone chats <3 :P
But anyway :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
I have so much I need to do before I go. I still need to find inner tubes to go down the river in. Although, I might just wanna skip out on going down the river altogether. It's just a really big headache. First we all have to drive to the drop off where we will be getting out of the river. Then there also has to be a person who isn't going down the river, which could end up being me, who will drive everyone to the starting point. Which takes a few trips. haha. And then the water is cold. And there are bugs that buzz in your ear (And if you know me at all, you'll know that is the number one thing that bugs the fuck outta me. I hate things buzzing in my ear with a passion. It's annoying and it tickles and I want no part in it.). And there are big pokey sticks that stick out of the water and poke you in the asshole...if you're not careful. I don't know. Just a hassle. And everybody gets drunk and sings and there are always the couple few who are so drunk and focused on waking up every single animal with their dying cat-like voices, that they end up falling into the water and screaming for help like their life is over. And it's so weird because if you have to pee you just have to do it right then and there. In your bathing suit. In the inner tube. In the river. haha.
So maybe I will skip out on all that jazz. All I know is I am swimming and relaxing and drinking all of those days away. I might take a break for the parade, but start up again for the fireworks. I just can't wait to sleep whenever I want and relax. I don't even know. It's going to be heaven.
I think I'll leave Fife on the 5th. Drop Alex off at home. And then be on my way to lovely Pennsylvania to see Miss Jamie!! And the lovely little Nate (: I'm so excited to meet them <3 It's going to be amazing :)
That's really all I have on the update. I need to talk to Jamie about this ASAP. But she's a flake when it comes to our phone chats <3 :P
Monday, June 4, 2012
26 Days
Exactly 26 days until Alex and I leave for up north. It's so close I can't even stand it. 26 days fly by pretty fast these days.
And 32 days until I see/meet Jamie! :D Probably even more excited for that.
Ahhhhh. This whole month needs to move it's ass.
And 32 days until I see/meet Jamie! :D Probably even more excited for that.
Ahhhhh. This whole month needs to move it's ass.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Bitchy McBitch Bitch
I'm a bit of an emotional wreck lately. I have a million things to do before I leave in a month, and I don't even know where to begin. My brother's last day of high school is today, and I'm emotional about that. Because he goes to college in the fall. And even though he'll still be at home, it still makes me sad. Because each day is one step closer when he'll move out. Or I'll move out. And we won't live together anymore. And I'm scared that if we don't live together, we'll barely talk or see eachother. And I'm just not so sure I'm ready for something like that. He lives with me now and we barely talk or see eachother because of our conflicting schedules and our crazy social lives.
Bailey is driving me insane. He's a psycho. I love him to death, and he's the cutest dog ever, but he's so much work. Little dogs are so needy and in your face. The only time during the day that I have even the slightest privacy is when I take a shower or take a shit. And that's only because Bailey is absolutely terrified of the bathroom because he thinks I'll give him a bath if he goes in. Yet, me being in there by myself doesn't stop him from waiting outside the door and sniffing under it every five seconds. He follows me everywhere. If I move, he moves with me. It's ridiculous.
I'm still taking him to work with me because I have this ridiculous paranoid thought that if I leave him home, him and Gizmo will get into a huge fight and she'll end up cornering him by the basement stairs and he won't know what to do and he'll end up falling down the stairs and breaking all of his short little stubby puppy legs. I know, I'm insane. But if she were to corner him, that is what will happen. And it's not impossible. Especially because Gizmo terrifies him. She's already cut his nose with her stupid sharp little bitchy cat claws.
I'm just tired. I don't really have any plans this weekend, and I like that. I'm so sick of spending all of my money. And if I'm out with people, that's what we do. We spend my money.
That's another thing. I love Alex. She's so much fun to hang out with. And people think it's so weird that I hang out with her because she's 16, but she's not drama. She's totally chill. And all of my friends have kids. Do you know how boring it is to spend time with your friends and their babies? And I'm not joking, ALL of my friends have kids. Julie has a 6 month year old and another one on the way. Brittany has a one year old. The other Brittany has a one year old. Shell has a three year old. Jen has a 7 month year old. It's just ridiculous. And then all of my other friends have jobs and school and boyfriends, so I only see them a couple times a month. So Alex is a breath of fresh air. She just happens to be young and doesn't understand how hard I work for my money. And that money doesn't grow on trees. But her parents hand her literally everything she wants, like most teens and children these days, so of course she doesn't understand how money isn't so easy to come by. So when we hang out, she always wants to be out and doing things, which I don't have a problem with, but it's usually something that consists of spending money. And she never has any on her, conveniently, so it consists of spending MY money.
And then, when I want to just stay home for a day, she bitches and complains about it like I'm being a bad person. And I know she means well, I hope, but it's just so fucking irritating. And I hope she doesn't mean it this way, but it makes me feel used. And I don't like feeling used. I've been used before and it sucks.
So I HAD money saved. And now I barely have any money saved. And I need to start all over again because I do want to pay my dad back and move out sometime before I'm 30. The good news is it's almost June. Which marks the anniversary of 8 years at my job. Which means I will be going up to 12 dollars an hour. Hooray! Now I'm making only 50 cents less than the technician who's only been working here for 8 months. Sweet justice. haha.
And now this entire post has turned into me bitching.
I need my vacation. Like now. A month is just not close enough.
Fuck.
Bailey is driving me insane. He's a psycho. I love him to death, and he's the cutest dog ever, but he's so much work. Little dogs are so needy and in your face. The only time during the day that I have even the slightest privacy is when I take a shower or take a shit. And that's only because Bailey is absolutely terrified of the bathroom because he thinks I'll give him a bath if he goes in. Yet, me being in there by myself doesn't stop him from waiting outside the door and sniffing under it every five seconds. He follows me everywhere. If I move, he moves with me. It's ridiculous.
I'm still taking him to work with me because I have this ridiculous paranoid thought that if I leave him home, him and Gizmo will get into a huge fight and she'll end up cornering him by the basement stairs and he won't know what to do and he'll end up falling down the stairs and breaking all of his short little stubby puppy legs. I know, I'm insane. But if she were to corner him, that is what will happen. And it's not impossible. Especially because Gizmo terrifies him. She's already cut his nose with her stupid sharp little bitchy cat claws.
I'm just tired. I don't really have any plans this weekend, and I like that. I'm so sick of spending all of my money. And if I'm out with people, that's what we do. We spend my money.
That's another thing. I love Alex. She's so much fun to hang out with. And people think it's so weird that I hang out with her because she's 16, but she's not drama. She's totally chill. And all of my friends have kids. Do you know how boring it is to spend time with your friends and their babies? And I'm not joking, ALL of my friends have kids. Julie has a 6 month year old and another one on the way. Brittany has a one year old. The other Brittany has a one year old. Shell has a three year old. Jen has a 7 month year old. It's just ridiculous. And then all of my other friends have jobs and school and boyfriends, so I only see them a couple times a month. So Alex is a breath of fresh air. She just happens to be young and doesn't understand how hard I work for my money. And that money doesn't grow on trees. But her parents hand her literally everything she wants, like most teens and children these days, so of course she doesn't understand how money isn't so easy to come by. So when we hang out, she always wants to be out and doing things, which I don't have a problem with, but it's usually something that consists of spending money. And she never has any on her, conveniently, so it consists of spending MY money.
And then, when I want to just stay home for a day, she bitches and complains about it like I'm being a bad person. And I know she means well, I hope, but it's just so fucking irritating. And I hope she doesn't mean it this way, but it makes me feel used. And I don't like feeling used. I've been used before and it sucks.
So I HAD money saved. And now I barely have any money saved. And I need to start all over again because I do want to pay my dad back and move out sometime before I'm 30. The good news is it's almost June. Which marks the anniversary of 8 years at my job. Which means I will be going up to 12 dollars an hour. Hooray! Now I'm making only 50 cents less than the technician who's only been working here for 8 months. Sweet justice. haha.
And now this entire post has turned into me bitching.
I need my vacation. Like now. A month is just not close enough.
Fuck.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Friday, May 18, 2012
It's iPhone Time
I don't know if you've noticed, but lately, EVERYBODY has the iPhone. Personally, they're a little overrated, but they work amazing. It's a great phone.
So today, I finally have my first phone upgrade through sprint. Which means the $650.00 iPhone now becomes $100.00 for me. And as much as I love my little purple LG Optimus, I must say that the iPhone is sounding quite...tempting :)
So today, after work, I will be going and getting that lovely motherfucker.
And then I'm taking my mom out for a Chinese dinner for her birthday.
Today will be a good day :)
So today, I finally have my first phone upgrade through sprint. Which means the $650.00 iPhone now becomes $100.00 for me. And as much as I love my little purple LG Optimus, I must say that the iPhone is sounding quite...tempting :)
So today, after work, I will be going and getting that lovely motherfucker.
And then I'm taking my mom out for a Chinese dinner for her birthday.
Today will be a good day :)
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Pricks, Dicks, and Free Food
So, it is official; The chaos is completely over! I say chaos, because that is what the last four days has been. Absolutely terrible.
Just a warning, I'm going to vent my ass off in this post. And most of it will probably be pretty...outspoken. But I deserve it. Because of how civil and proper I am in real life. And the fact that I've had to bite my tongue and mind my manners these past few days. I had to play the good daughter. So this is my blog, and my fingers are ready to do the talking.
As you know, I'm sure, my grandmother passed away on Friday. Don't worry, I'm okay. My grandma's been wanting this for a long time. She wasn't happy being alive, especially after my grandpa died in 1996. Needless to say, I was at peace with this the day I knew it was going to happen. I'm happy for her.
My grandma lived with me for almost 5 years. From when I was 15 until I was 19. Those are tough times for any girl, because we're all super psycho bitches at those ages. So, needless to say, my grandma and I didn't always see eye to eye. We had some pretty nasty fights, but we were also very very close. She was one of my best friends. She knew everything about me and she would always brag to people that she could write a book about me. We stayed up late all the time and had crazy talks about life and her childhood and all kinds of things. She was a great person. She just had a few setbacks.
One of those setbacks being that she liked to talk. And she didn't like to talk about anything positive either.
While she lived with us, she paid my father $400.00 a month. She had her own bedroom with tv and cable. She had her own phone in her room. My father bought the groceries, and when he was done watching the big tv downstairs, he would hand the remote to her. Just keep this in mind for when you read the next few parts.
THIS lovely gentleman is my Uncle Darrel :
Let me tell you all a little something about my Uncle Darrel. Starting with, he's a fucking asshole. He's 53 years old going on a 13 year old girl. If he died tomorrow, the only good thing that could be said about this man is that he played a mean guitar. And that he was really good at spending money he didn't have. He can't hold a job to save his life. He borrowed thousands and thousands of dollars from my grandmother and my father. And anyone else who actually believed that he would someday pay it back. And when he got $12,000.00 back from taxes, instead of paying his debts off, he bought a new laptop, a new guitar, tvs for his kids bedrooms, and other frivolous items that he ended up selling later because he ran out of money and needed to pay his rent. He whines. He complains. And he talks shit like it's a full time fucking job. He's condescending. He's obnoxious. He's rude. He's selfish. And he's extremely ungrateful. He's a fucking fat, pompous prick who thinks his shit doesn't stink and that the whole world owes him something.
When my grandma moved out of our house, she moved with with my Uncle Darrel and his ... lovely...family.
THIS IS HIS ...LOVELY...FAMILY ... :
The piggy peach to my Uncle Darrel's left is his poor excuse for a wife, Jennifer. The two black girls are Jennifer's from a previous man (obviously). And the little boy is Nathan. That would be Darrel and Jennifer's satan spawn. Literally. The kid is fucking retarded as fuck.
As I was saying, my grandma moved in with them. Into their tiny ass trailer. In their tiny ass trailer, my grandma was giving my uncle roughly about $200.00 a week. And what did she get in return you ask? She got a recliner in the front room to sleep on and a dresser at the end of the hallway. Oh, and Darrel's fancy new television went off at exactly 11 o'clock when he went to bed. Also, she had to provide her own food. And any food that he bought with his or Jennifer's money, was strictly for them. And their kids. Not for grandma.
My grandma lasted about a month there before she decided that she wasn't very happy at all.
Once my grandma moved out, it wasn't long before Darrel couldn't afford his rent any longer. And after coming into some more money and squelching that away as well, they lost their house about 5 months ago.
The first month or so, Darrel lived in his car while Jennifer and the kids stayed at Jennifer's mom's house. Darrel wasn't very welcome there because her parents think he's an asshole. Which he is, so I can't really blame them for that.
Then again, their daughter isn't much better. Because during one of Jennifer's pissy little talks to my grandmother, Jennifer had the nerve to say, "I don't know why Ken doesn't help out. Darrel is sleeping in his car and Ken can't even offer his basement?"
This is Ken :
Ken is my father. My father is a wonderful man. He's hard working. He's intelligent. He owns his own company and he's always been there for his children. He taught us our manners and our ABC's. He's made sure that my brother and I were raised right with good morals and strong beliefs. He's nice and he gets along with everybody. He's funny and brave and he's a man. Like I said before, my dad gave Darrel and Jennifer thousands and thousands of dollars over the past 10 years to help them. And they pissed it all away like it was nothing. My dad employed Darrel at his company TWICE. And both times, Darrel walked out in the middle of the job. Leaving my dad a man short. Of course, my dad forgave him. But let's just say Darrel has run out of chances. So for Jennifer to say that, well that just makes her a super flying thunder cunt.
And if we were to let Darrel stay in our basement, he would probably never leave.
I'm telling you all of this so that I can tell you what happened on Monday night.
On Monday night, I was at Alex and Katie's house. Alex is my dad's sister's son, so he is my cousin. And Katie is his wife. Alex and Katie have also had grandma living with them for the last few years. Alex and Katie have also been letting Darrel sleep on their couch for the past three months.
Actually, let's back up to Sunday for a moment. On Sunday, we had a small barbeque at our house. Most of the family couldn't make it, because it was very short notice, but of course Darrel and Jennifer showed up. Can't pass up free food!! While at my house, Darrel decided to turn to my dad and his girlfriend Barb and say, "I was talking to Alex and Katie about their financial situation. And with mom gone, they really need to slow down on their spending. They eat out too much."
Really? Coming from the homeless bum uncle sleeping on their couch? The homeless bum uncle who eats all of their food and uses their water and watches their cable, but puts NOTHING back into the house? Doesn't pay rent. Doesn't buy groceries. Does NOTHING nice whatsoever. Yes. That makes perfect sense. The married couple, who both have jobs, and have their own place spend their money more unwisely than the homeless uncle mooching off of them. Bravo.
Back to Monday night. I was at Alex and Katie's because we were all sorting through my grandma's stuff. We waited for Darrel to show up as long as we could, but once he was about an hour late, we started without him. He finally showed up, and my dad told me there wasn't much I could do to help, so I went outside and I entertained the kids. There was Nathan (Spawn of the devil) who is 12. There was Lexi, Shane, and Jaysen who are 6, 7, and 8. Lexi, Shane, and Jaysen are my cousin Eric's kids. Eric is Alex's brother.
I played with those kids for about 4 hours. Around 9:40, I was beat. I wanted to go home and go to bed. So I go inside and I say goodbye to all of the adults. I even patted Darrel on the shoulder.
I walk outside and Lexi begged me to stay. She loves me. She's so cute (: And I told her I would stay for 5 more minutes. I'm standing there talking to Eric and I hear my name inside. And it's Darrel talking. So I listen closer and I hear Darrel say, "Mandy was mean to mom. She was disrespectful and rude. Not a nice person at all. She was so mean to mom."
I completely lost it. He waited THIRTY FUCKING SECONDS after I walked out of the fucking door and he's already talking shit. Talking about shit that he knows absofuckinglutely nothing about.
I go inside and I look at him and go, "Excuse me. I'm still here and I can hear everything that you're saying."
The fat coward LOOKS AWAY FROM ME and goes, "Oh, no. I was talking about my mother in law."
For the record, I don't know his mother and law. I've met her ONCE and I said hi to her. That is the only interaction I have ever had with that woman.
So I say to him, "Really Darrel? Your mother in law? You mean the one I've only met once in my entire life? Please, tell everyone here how mean and rude I was to her the one and only time that I've met her. I'm sure we'd all love to hear THAT story." and he says, "Mandy, I don't have to explain myself to you."
So I look at him, and he's still not looking at me. And I lean in very close, and I say as quietly as I can so the kids don't hear me, "Fuck. You."
So needless to say, the memorial and the after party at my mom's family business was a little on the tense side. Darrel only went to the after party for the free food, obviously.
And that's really all I have to say about that. I'm just glad it's over.
Just a warning, I'm going to vent my ass off in this post. And most of it will probably be pretty...outspoken. But I deserve it. Because of how civil and proper I am in real life. And the fact that I've had to bite my tongue and mind my manners these past few days. I had to play the good daughter. So this is my blog, and my fingers are ready to do the talking.
As you know, I'm sure, my grandmother passed away on Friday. Don't worry, I'm okay. My grandma's been wanting this for a long time. She wasn't happy being alive, especially after my grandpa died in 1996. Needless to say, I was at peace with this the day I knew it was going to happen. I'm happy for her.
My grandma lived with me for almost 5 years. From when I was 15 until I was 19. Those are tough times for any girl, because we're all super psycho bitches at those ages. So, needless to say, my grandma and I didn't always see eye to eye. We had some pretty nasty fights, but we were also very very close. She was one of my best friends. She knew everything about me and she would always brag to people that she could write a book about me. We stayed up late all the time and had crazy talks about life and her childhood and all kinds of things. She was a great person. She just had a few setbacks.
One of those setbacks being that she liked to talk. And she didn't like to talk about anything positive either.
While she lived with us, she paid my father $400.00 a month. She had her own bedroom with tv and cable. She had her own phone in her room. My father bought the groceries, and when he was done watching the big tv downstairs, he would hand the remote to her. Just keep this in mind for when you read the next few parts.
THIS lovely gentleman is my Uncle Darrel :
When my grandma moved out of our house, she moved with with my Uncle Darrel and his ... lovely...family.
THIS IS HIS ...LOVELY...FAMILY ... :
As I was saying, my grandma moved in with them. Into their tiny ass trailer. In their tiny ass trailer, my grandma was giving my uncle roughly about $200.00 a week. And what did she get in return you ask? She got a recliner in the front room to sleep on and a dresser at the end of the hallway. Oh, and Darrel's fancy new television went off at exactly 11 o'clock when he went to bed. Also, she had to provide her own food. And any food that he bought with his or Jennifer's money, was strictly for them. And their kids. Not for grandma.
My grandma lasted about a month there before she decided that she wasn't very happy at all.
Once my grandma moved out, it wasn't long before Darrel couldn't afford his rent any longer. And after coming into some more money and squelching that away as well, they lost their house about 5 months ago.
The first month or so, Darrel lived in his car while Jennifer and the kids stayed at Jennifer's mom's house. Darrel wasn't very welcome there because her parents think he's an asshole. Which he is, so I can't really blame them for that.
Then again, their daughter isn't much better. Because during one of Jennifer's pissy little talks to my grandmother, Jennifer had the nerve to say, "I don't know why Ken doesn't help out. Darrel is sleeping in his car and Ken can't even offer his basement?"
This is Ken :
Ken is my father. My father is a wonderful man. He's hard working. He's intelligent. He owns his own company and he's always been there for his children. He taught us our manners and our ABC's. He's made sure that my brother and I were raised right with good morals and strong beliefs. He's nice and he gets along with everybody. He's funny and brave and he's a man. Like I said before, my dad gave Darrel and Jennifer thousands and thousands of dollars over the past 10 years to help them. And they pissed it all away like it was nothing. My dad employed Darrel at his company TWICE. And both times, Darrel walked out in the middle of the job. Leaving my dad a man short. Of course, my dad forgave him. But let's just say Darrel has run out of chances. So for Jennifer to say that, well that just makes her a super flying thunder cunt.
And if we were to let Darrel stay in our basement, he would probably never leave.
I'm telling you all of this so that I can tell you what happened on Monday night.
On Monday night, I was at Alex and Katie's house. Alex is my dad's sister's son, so he is my cousin. And Katie is his wife. Alex and Katie have also had grandma living with them for the last few years. Alex and Katie have also been letting Darrel sleep on their couch for the past three months.
Actually, let's back up to Sunday for a moment. On Sunday, we had a small barbeque at our house. Most of the family couldn't make it, because it was very short notice, but of course Darrel and Jennifer showed up. Can't pass up free food!! While at my house, Darrel decided to turn to my dad and his girlfriend Barb and say, "I was talking to Alex and Katie about their financial situation. And with mom gone, they really need to slow down on their spending. They eat out too much."
Really? Coming from the homeless bum uncle sleeping on their couch? The homeless bum uncle who eats all of their food and uses their water and watches their cable, but puts NOTHING back into the house? Doesn't pay rent. Doesn't buy groceries. Does NOTHING nice whatsoever. Yes. That makes perfect sense. The married couple, who both have jobs, and have their own place spend their money more unwisely than the homeless uncle mooching off of them. Bravo.
Back to Monday night. I was at Alex and Katie's because we were all sorting through my grandma's stuff. We waited for Darrel to show up as long as we could, but once he was about an hour late, we started without him. He finally showed up, and my dad told me there wasn't much I could do to help, so I went outside and I entertained the kids. There was Nathan (Spawn of the devil) who is 12. There was Lexi, Shane, and Jaysen who are 6, 7, and 8. Lexi, Shane, and Jaysen are my cousin Eric's kids. Eric is Alex's brother.
I played with those kids for about 4 hours. Around 9:40, I was beat. I wanted to go home and go to bed. So I go inside and I say goodbye to all of the adults. I even patted Darrel on the shoulder.
I walk outside and Lexi begged me to stay. She loves me. She's so cute (: And I told her I would stay for 5 more minutes. I'm standing there talking to Eric and I hear my name inside. And it's Darrel talking. So I listen closer and I hear Darrel say, "Mandy was mean to mom. She was disrespectful and rude. Not a nice person at all. She was so mean to mom."
I completely lost it. He waited THIRTY FUCKING SECONDS after I walked out of the fucking door and he's already talking shit. Talking about shit that he knows absofuckinglutely nothing about.
I go inside and I look at him and go, "Excuse me. I'm still here and I can hear everything that you're saying."
The fat coward LOOKS AWAY FROM ME and goes, "Oh, no. I was talking about my mother in law."
For the record, I don't know his mother and law. I've met her ONCE and I said hi to her. That is the only interaction I have ever had with that woman.
So I say to him, "Really Darrel? Your mother in law? You mean the one I've only met once in my entire life? Please, tell everyone here how mean and rude I was to her the one and only time that I've met her. I'm sure we'd all love to hear THAT story." and he says, "Mandy, I don't have to explain myself to you."
So I look at him, and he's still not looking at me. And I lean in very close, and I say as quietly as I can so the kids don't hear me, "Fuck. You."
So needless to say, the memorial and the after party at my mom's family business was a little on the tense side. Darrel only went to the after party for the free food, obviously.
And that's really all I have to say about that. I'm just glad it's over.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Grady's Bar
I imagine you at Grady's Bar. Sitting in the back. The room is smokey, and you're delicately sipping a rum and coke. Grandpa is with you, and Elvis Presley is playing on the jukebox. You're happy, and your world is centered right where it should be. You feel no pain. No sorrow for the loved ones you've left behind. Just you, the music, your bar, and Grandpa.
I'm sorry I didn't get to say goodbye to you.
I'm sorry I didn't get to say goodbye to you.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Friends
My grandma has been battling many health issues for quite some time now. Obesity, diabetes, and many others. She's been in and out of hospitals and rehab centers for the past 6 years. In the past three years, she usually goes to both about two or three times a year.
My grandma could write a book on me. She knows all of my secrets. She knows everything bad I've ever done in my life. And she's kept a good 95% of it a secret from my dad. At one point in time, she was living with us. And we had our off days, but she was my best friend. I told her everything. We stayed up late and talked. I made her laugh a lot.
We loved watching tv together. We also liked to sit outside on the back patio when it was warm out. Just quietly. Enjoying the company of eachother.
Last night, at her recent rehab center, she went unresponsive and was rushed to the hospital. They worked on her for two hours. She's stabilized now, but it really doesn't look good. I feel so bad for her because she doesn't want to be here. I know she doesn't. She told me. And I understand that. She's so old and she can barely walk and she has terrible health. She knows that it puts a lot on everybody else and she never wanted that. She misses Grandpa Al and she wants to be with him again. I know I'll miss her if she goes, but it's what she wants. She wasn't supposed to be resuscitated. The rehab center had her sign something that was supposed to be translated to helping her if she falls or has a minor heart attack or something. But she was supposed to be DNR. It's what she's wanted for awhile. I don't want her to suffer anymore. If she's still with us at the end of the day, I'll go see her. I don't know what I'll say. I'm not very good at these kinds of things. I do know that, no matter what, whether she's here or there, she'll always be my friend. I love you, Grandma.
My grandma could write a book on me. She knows all of my secrets. She knows everything bad I've ever done in my life. And she's kept a good 95% of it a secret from my dad. At one point in time, she was living with us. And we had our off days, but she was my best friend. I told her everything. We stayed up late and talked. I made her laugh a lot.
We loved watching tv together. We also liked to sit outside on the back patio when it was warm out. Just quietly. Enjoying the company of eachother.
Last night, at her recent rehab center, she went unresponsive and was rushed to the hospital. They worked on her for two hours. She's stabilized now, but it really doesn't look good. I feel so bad for her because she doesn't want to be here. I know she doesn't. She told me. And I understand that. She's so old and she can barely walk and she has terrible health. She knows that it puts a lot on everybody else and she never wanted that. She misses Grandpa Al and she wants to be with him again. I know I'll miss her if she goes, but it's what she wants. She wasn't supposed to be resuscitated. The rehab center had her sign something that was supposed to be translated to helping her if she falls or has a minor heart attack or something. But she was supposed to be DNR. It's what she's wanted for awhile. I don't want her to suffer anymore. If she's still with us at the end of the day, I'll go see her. I don't know what I'll say. I'm not very good at these kinds of things. I do know that, no matter what, whether she's here or there, she'll always be my friend. I love you, Grandma.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)